First Rule of
by Rei Ronin
Summary: Kenshin Himura is a self-proclaimed 'sarcastic bastard'. Fed up with the social infighting of high-school life, he finds his solace in a world of four simple rules. But can a special girl pull him out of this dead-end world? Even when she is part of it? K
1. Sarcasm and flaming cats

Work of fanfiction

The first rule of…

Kenshin Himura was a cynic. It wasn't his first choice of attitudes. He used to be an idealist. That had gone out the window two years back, when he had entered high school. It was simply impossible to keep the innocent, good-will-always triumph outlook on life in the face of all that went on in there. Mostly the social infighting. That was what really got him into his 'Murphy's Law' phase. So now Kenshin Himura was known as the smart, sarcastic asshole.

He wasn't friendless though. His buddy Sano was always there when he needed to talk to someone who could understand. And there was the freshman, Yahiko Myojin. The kid idolized him, after he had beat up a couple of idiots that were harassing the spiky-haired kid. He had been walking home, carrying a couple of bokken to replace the ones he and Hiko had broken during training. When he had seen the morons threatening the kid, he had immediately dropped one of the wooden swords and used his skills as a swordsman to knock out the punks. Turned out the kid really wanted to learn kendo. Hiko wouldn't take him on, but Kenshin had taught the kid a few things, and was looking for dojos around town that would take him on. Contrary to popular belief, Kenshin was really a nice guy at heart, even if he didn't show it except to a select group.

---

Kenshin took another bite of his sandwich and stared blankly into the distance. He liked weekends. There were less instances that called for sarcasm: i.e. Kenshin didn't have to be around a bunch of stupid high school students.

A thump penetrated his murky thoughts and his view of the distance was suddenly that of his taller friend's throat. Kenshin shook himself out of his stupor to look at Sano, rather than aimlessly try to bore a hole in the lanky man's throat with his vision. Sano was wearing his normal attire: a white muscle shirt, white and black pants, and what Kenshin had termed 'the _bad_ jacket'. He also had his rooster-hair held up by his favorite red headband.

"Hey Sano."

The larger guy took a bite of his sandwich. "What's up, Kenshin?"

Kenshin took a moment to marvel at the sheer enormity of Sano's sandwich. Kenshin had a feeling that the American comic character, Dagwood, would be humbled by the behemoth that Sano was currently demolishing, bite by (according to Sano, surely) glorious bite.

"I believe you know the answer to that question."

"Yeah. Eating a sandwich, trying to make a dog burst into flames twenty miles away, just by thinking about it."

Kenshin nearly choked on his soda, and sprayed some of it onto the table. "What? No."

"MR. TIBBLES! Dad! Get the fire extinguisher!"

"Only twenty meters away," added Kenshin, sounding as if he had been planning to say that all along. He had a lot of practice.

"That was really creepy," said Sano as a blazing animal ran past the café followed by a group of people armed with fire extinguishers. "Who names their dog Mr. Tibbles?"

"God save us from these nutcases," said Kenshin, and took another bite of his sandwich.

"Anyway man, I found this really great thing."

"Does it have to do with life? If so, I seriously doubt it's great."

Sano smirked. "How does beating the crap out of someone sound?"

Kenshin chewed thoughtfully on some of his roast beef and cheese deli sandwich. "My heart's desire. Are you volunteering?"

"Not as such, no. I found something good, despite that. First, second, and third rule is that I can't talk about it though." He took another enormous bite.

"Seen that movie. Next thing I know, you'll want to be blowing up a building. Or would you rather make some soap? Sano, those things are myths."

"Nuh uh," replied Sano, shaking his finger. "I found one. Totally free mixed martial arts. Only catch is, no lethal weapons. But then, that nami iaito of yours is missing a edge, isn't it?"

"A sharpened edge. It has a 'false' edge, you know that, Sano."

"Yeah, yeah. Or you could use a bokken. Come on man, try it out! It's great. You can just think of the fight, get away from life in general."

"If I don't say yes, you'll keep on nagging me till I do go, right?" At Sano's nod, Kenshin stood up, sandwich still in hand. "Fine. It's probably the best idea I've heard out of you." He stuffed the remainder of the sandwich in his mouth.

"Good. I'll meet you at 7:00, your place." Sano stuffed the remainder of _his _sandwich into his mouth. Kenshin could only wonder how that was possible. He would've sworn the sandwich was at least twice as large as Sano's head.

---

"So, what do you think?" asked Sano, of his red-headed friend as they walked into the rather expansive basement.

Kenshin looked around. "Well, it's not every day you see two fully-grown men doing ritualistic battle with sledgehammers. I have to give it that, if nothing else"

Sano looked over to see the two men swinging the pile-driving tools at one another. "See, nice place, right?"

Kenshin looked skeptical. He also looked like a hitokiri. He wore a dark blue gi with gray hakama. His nami iaito's saya was shoved through his obi, and he had his hand on it, ready to pop the blade. "Yeah, Sano, real nice place."

A man walked up to them. He was smoking a cigarette, and had greasy hair. Four long, thin bangs hung down in front of his face. He also had a sword sheathed at his side. "Hmm, a new boy. Name?"

"Kenshin Himura."

"We'd better find you someone to fight," said the man, looking around, "My name is Saitou Hajime. I run this fight club." He took a drag on the cigarette. "Hmmm, no one open. Well, you can watch a few fights until I find you someone.

Kenshin nodded to Saitou and decided to watch a fight between what looked like a wannabe sumo wrestler and Aoshi Shinomori.

Aoshi was one of the few people in the school who Kenshin did not think was a complete moron. As a matter of fact, Kenshin actually respected the icy kid. Aoshi was extremely logical, and also, as a function of that, rather cynical. They weren't friends though. It was damn near impossible to be friends with him. But somehow that bubbly Makimachi girl became his girlfriend...

Though Aoshi was wearing a blunted pair of kodachi, he forwent their use to make the fight more even. The large man up against him charged forward, arms out wide, trying to wrap Aoshi in a very painful hug. The trenchcoat-wearing teen was having none of this though, as he decided to leap over the man, kicking him in the small of the back as he went, before landing gracefully. The fat man's landing was not nearly so graceful. He plowed into the concrete, groaning in pain. Aoshi turned around, offering a hand to the man. "You still need to work on your fighting, Hyottoko."

The large man bowed his head. "Yes, Okashira."

Aoshi patted him on the arm. "But I realize your true strength is your oil bag. Don't worry, I'm not kicking you out."

Kenshin tapped Sano on the shoulder. "What's with Aoshi and Hyottoko over there?"

The rooster-head looked over. "Oh! Well, some groups or teams form in this. Aoshi is the leader of one, the Oniwabanshu. You want to start one, buddy? Member of the Sano-gumi?"

"Hell no. The Kenshin-gumi maybe." Kenshin turned around to Aoshi's approach.

"Hello, Himura." The taller boy nodded to him. "I see you have found this place."

"Indeed. Good to see you Shinomori."

"Ah. I see Saitou has found someone for you to fight."

"Eh?" Kenshin turned around, to see Saitou walking over to him with a girl and a young boy in tow.

"Himura. You will be fighting her. She is another first-timer."

Kenshin nodded. "I am Kenshin Himura."

She gave a small smile. "Kaoru Kamiya."

A/N: Well, here we go. I believe this is the first Fight Club inspired Kenshin fic. RK style action, romance, and a large dose of sarcastic humor shall be the order of the day. Review please!


	2. Swords and school

Work of fanfiction

The first rule of…

"I am Kenshin Himura."

"Kaoru Kamiya."

---

The girl looked him up and down. "So you're the sarcastic ass all the girls complain about. I must admit, I would have never thought it was you."

Kenshin bowed theatrically. "Sarcastic bastard, first class, Kenshin Himura, at your service. And, I'm sorry, but should I know you?"

Sano rested his head on his arms, which he had placed on Kenshin's head. "She transferred into our school at the beginning of the year. Two weeks."

"Sano, off." He tapped his chin. "Well, Ms. Kamiya, you are a record holder. Normally I won't talk to a new student for at least two months. You win some pocket lint. But as I am wearing hakama, you will have to wait on that."

She laughed. "And what, pray tell, is the record for longest time spent without speaking."

Sano's eyes lit up. "Yumi. Two years, two weeks. She was in our first homeroom class. Kenshin has still not said a word to her."

Kaoru's eyebrows went up. "Are you really that anti-social?"

"No, I just hate sluts. And she's absolutely _whore_-ible."

She groaned good-naturedly. "Oh! That's really bad!" She laughed.

Sano looked over at Kenshin with a huge grin on his face. "Not bad looking, reacts in all the correct ways to your humor, a martial artist to boot…Kenshin, I think we've found you a girlfriend."

"Shut it Sano or I tell her how you used to like Yumi." He smirked. "Oh, whoops, how did that slip out?" Kaoru was cracking up, bent double over her arms.

Sano got a hurt look on his face. "Low blow, Kenshin." His face suddenly brightened. "But great delivery. I concede. The winner, and still champion, is Kenshin Himura, sarcastic bastard, first class."

While Kaoru calmed down, Kenshin took a look around. The small boy that had come in behind Kaoru was talking to Aoshi and Hyottoko, showing them something in his fist. Saitou glared at them. "Well, are you two going to fight? Or do I have to kick you out?"

Kenshin was beginning to like this place. "We'll fight. Will you lend her your iaito?" Kaoru straightened up and held out her hand. Saitou handed over the blunted sword and stood back.

"Go at it!"

Kaoru, having her sword already drawn, lunged at Kenshin, who countered with a battoujutsu that Kaoru barely blocked. Even with the block, the force of the blow was enough to throw her back a couple of feet. Kenshin held his sword out in front of him one-handed, urging her to attack. She obliged with a powerful two-handed blow towards his head. He parried it to the side, slamming his blade into her stomach. She coughed, then came at him again, recovering so quickly that Kenshin was caught by surprise, her blade slashing across his ribs. Pain blossomed along the line of the stroke, making Kenshin gasp involuntarily. He attacked again, hitting her legs, before her sword slammed into his shoulder. Soon they had both forgot about blocking, about dodging, their only concern was attacking one another. They were pouring out all their tension upon the other person, lost in the fight. Somehow, their bodies had enough sense to only hit in places that were covered by clothing. After all, they didn't want someone inquiring about the source of the wounds. It was glorious! And, all too soon, it was over. Kaoru's sword dropped from her grip, and she slumped towards the floor. Kenshin snapped out of it, catching the girl before she hit the ground.

As Kenshin kneeled with the girl in his arms, he gazed in wonderment, at the club. It was a separate world, a Cloud 9 that required no drugs, just four simple rules. Rule 1: You do not talk about fight club. Rule 2: You do not talk about fight club. Rule 3: You do not talk about fight club. Rule 4: If this is your first night at fight club, you have to fight. Suddenly, Kenshin knew, no matter what happened at school, it didn't matter. He had fight club. Saitou walked up behind him, taking a drag on his cigarette. The tall man smirked. "So, Mr. Himura, I gather we will be seeing you again?"

Kenshin looked up at the greasy-haired man. "Oh, FUCK yes."

---

Kenshin winced as he walked through the halls, his hip grating slightly inside its joint. _Just get to the room Kenshin-my-boy. Then you can sit down and relax._

"Hey sarcastic asshole," came a fairly good-natured voice from behind him.

_That voice sounds familiar. Have I beat you up before? _Kenshin put on a mobile "Jack Sparrow" expression and spun around, imitating the half-drunken movement of a fictional Disney pirate captain. "Sarcastic bastard, as it were, Miss Kamiya."

Bingo. Kaoru burst into laughter, bending over and clutching at her ribs. She pointed a finger at him. "Not fair. That hurts."

Kenshin started singing. "We're kenkaku, and iceblocks, and greasy-haired twits. Swing hard, baka-deshi, ki-yah! We thrust and we slash, and we jump across roofs. Swing hard, baka-deshi, ki-yah! Ki-yah, ki-yah, a martial artist's life for me. Ki-yah, ki-yah, a martial artist's life for me."

Kaoru was laughing so hard that she had to grab onto Kenshin's shoulders for support. Kenshin chuckled as he grinned down at the raven-haired girl.

Rather unfortunately, this was when Sano showed up. "Wow Kenshin, you're a smooth operator. Already got her hanging off of you." This observation was met with a pair of fists. Sano fell backwards, groaning. "Orrro."

Kenshin glared down at him. "Hey! That's my word! You owe me fifty bucks for use of the word 'oro'!" Kenshin rubbed his fist. "Do you want me to punch you again?"

Sano opened his eyes to see Kenshin and Kaoru glaring down at him. "Yipe!"

"Stupid rooster-headed, thick-skulled imbecile! Do you have a death wish or something?"

"For the death of others, yes."

"Right-o, Black Mage. No time for a stab-fest now," smirked Kenshin.

Kaoru looked over at the red-haired boy. "He even smells as bad as described."

Kenshin smiled back. "Yeah, but he's out of costume."

Kaoru chuckled. "How bout it, Sano?  Up for a Hadoken?"

Sano groaned. "The punches knocked my Level 9 spell slot for a loop. Nope."

Kenshin reached down and pulled his taller friend up. "Well, let's get to class, boring as it is." The trio walked off towards class, hissing and wincing at twinges of pain from the night before.

---

A/N: Well, we're on our way. Next chapter, we'll have some more in-school action, and possibly another visit to the club, with a nice long fight scene or two. Perhaps some romantic tension, and as always, more sarcasm that your yearly recommended allowance for a 20,000 calorie-a-day diet. And as for the last few jokes, read the webcomic "8-bit theater".


End file.
